Posts Tagged ‘cereal’

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MISSING: One Breakfast Vampire

February 6, 2010

Since last October, I’ve been searching grocery stores in my area for Count Chocula cereal.  Alas, my quest has come up with nothing.  Safeway, Save-On, and Real Canadian Superstore don’t carry the Chocolate Vampire.  Even trips across the border to the 24-hour Wal-Mart in Bellingham have ended in failure.  In fact, a friend told me today that he called the Safeway customer care line asking about Count Chocula, and they hung up on him.  Twice.

I asked myself: why did I want this cereal so badly? I can’t even remember if it tastes very good.  By all accounts, it shouldn’t.  I seem to remember Count Chocula listing pork as one of its ingredients.  Then I remembered: nostalgia.  I just can’t get away from it, no matter how hard I try.

Since 1971, Count Chocula has been rotting the teeth of hyperactive children all over North America.  He, along with his pink, re-animated companion Frankenberry, enjoyed fame, fortune, and a bout of pink stool. That is, until that sumbitch Boo Berry came along with his suave Peter Lorre voice, stealing all the thunder away from Count Chocula and his puffy pal.  Let’s not even get into Fruit Brute or Fruity Yummy Mummy.  Those are topics for another time.

Artist's approximation of missing vampire.

Poking around on the Information SuperHighway, I found no mention of a disappearance.  Wikipedia, which is never wrong, lists The Big Three as “still in production.”  Who knows?  Maybe Chocula hasn’t been taken off the market.  Maybe’s he’s just waiting for the right moment to make a marshmallowy return.  I’m afraid if he does come back, we’ll wind up with an “All-New, All-Different Count Chocula” for the tween set, completely defanged and topped with a head of Pattinsonesque spaghetti instead of his… umm… points.  Licorice shoelaces will be added to the cereal as “Real Vampire Hair.”  The treats inside will be body glitter and a little paper doll that can climb trees.  Concerned parents will file lawsuits because their kids are excreting sparkly stool.  It will be BREAKFAST BEDLAM.

When Tweens Rule the Earth

Sorry.  I got a little ahead of myself.  I do that sometimes.  Maybe it’s best that I don’t eat any sugary cereals.  They’ll rot my teeth and make me (even more) out of shape, and nobody likes surprise pork, anyway.  I should just count my blessings (PUN) that I grew up in an era where I could have a monster for breakfast and head off to eBay in search of a Chocula Bobblehead.  Nostalgia is my own, personal brand of heroin.  Well, nostalgia and Black Tar.

I’m going to do a more detailed piece on Chocula later.  In the meantime, check out this awesome blog.  It features tons of Monster Cereal fan art, like this amazing Karloff/Frankenberry mashup by Dwayne Pinkney:

Fire bad! Balanced Breakfast good!

Eric Fell